As distraught as she may be over her lax libido, the partner whose drive is lower is the one holding the cards; if he or she doesn’t want it, it doesn’t happen. Natalie says her husband “would have sex with me every day if he could.” When she began turning him down in their second year together, “he wanted to talk about it all the time. But the more we talked, the less I wanted to do it.” The longer they didn’t do it, “the more anxiety there was around the act itself,” she says. “If you already weren’t excited about it, now you’re even less so.” Tom married her without pushing the point, but she says he still hasn’t given up: “He just gets more and more frustrated when he doesn’t have it.
”Weiner Davis is frank about the bargain these women are driving. “They expect their spouses to (a) not complain and (b) be monogamous,” she says. “That’s really an unfair and unworkable relationship.” She says some women write off their partner’s needs as “scratching a biological itch,” when in fact he wants to feel “wanted, loved, important, connected. Some women don’t get this because, for us, feeling connected often comes through conversation and spending time together.” Rejection, of course, has a host of consequences. When Georgia State University researchers studied 77 “involuntarily celibate” individuals, they reported frustration, depression, feelings of rejection, difficulty concentrating, and low self-esteem.
So find the happy medium. Since it's hard to get off ... leave work, before breakfast and after dinner work for me.
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