Getting infected with malaria is NOT funny

I had to say that up front; getting sick with malaria is not funny. Malaria is a killer disease, responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent children in third-world countries (and a few in the first- and second-world, too). More effective programs, like WIDESPREAD deployment of insecticide-treated bed nets, would do a lot toward reducing this tragic toll.

Furthermore, Cheryl Cole's bout with malaria doesn't have a lot of humor attached to it either, especially considering this rising star and world-class beauty may have been hours from death; she was certainly very, very sick, and is still just in the first stages of recovery.

But still... the way that the news media treated the news that Cheryl could go home with a few strings attached was pretty funny. The strings attached were: no sex, and no drinking (both of which could raise her blood pressure, which apparently is still elevated due to the malaria and probably will be for awhile).

I'm sure Derek Hough can see the long-term benefits of waiting. Based on how hot-and-heavy he was with Shannon Elizabeth, I tend to doubt that he's honoring the same wait-until-marriage pledge that his sister Julianne made (despite likely appeals from Ryan Seacrest). But Derek's smart enough to know that good things -- in this case, a VERY good thing -- come to those who wait.

Anyway, I can't decide which of the two headlines I collected for this post was funnier.

Cheryl Cole is banned from Rumpy-Pumpy

or

More bad news for Cheryl, she can't get pissed and laid this weekend

However, the latter definitely had the best lead:

And there she was, lying on her death bed, sweating, hallucinating, but nevertheless dreaming of a rampant rut after downing a keg of ale, like the sex-crazed alchy she is.

In news we’re not sure we believe, doctors have apparently told Chezza she can’t shag or drink anything that might make her want to, while she recovers from the deadly form of malaria that put her into intensive care.

Some trivia: Cheryl is occasionally referred to as a "Geordie". I looked this up: Geordie refers to people (and the dialect they speak) from Tyneside, particularly the city of Newcastle upon Tyne, in the northeast part of England. Cheryl was born in Newcastle upon Tyne in the low rent district and her parents were never married, and split up when she was 11. Maybe not a rags-to-riches story, but not far from it.