New adjective rules for the political press

I think that there should be a few rules for using adjectives in political stories about the debt ceiling and government shutdown:

1.  In all future articles, the plural term "Republicans" should be preceded with the words "stupid f*cking".

2.  All references to the current Speaker of the House John Boehner should be preceded with the words "simpering appeasing spineless a**hole".

3. All references to Tea Party members should be preceded with the words "insane brainded redneck idiot".

4.  All references to "GOP" should be preceded by "God save us from the". 

Let's see how this works:

http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/10/11/us-usa-fiscal-idUSBRE98N11220131011

"The plummeting standing of congressional Republicans in public opinion polls helped spur a move toward ending the standoff, Oklahoma Republican Representative James Lankford said on CNN Thursday night. The latest, an NBC-Wall Street Journal survey published on Thursday, showed the public blaming Republicans by a 22-point margin - 53 to 31 percent."

becomes

The plummeting standing of congressional stupid f*cking Republicans in public opinion polls helped spur a move toward ending the standoff, Oklahoma stupid f*cking Republican Representative James Lankford said on CNN Thursday night. The latest, an NBC-Wall Street Journal survey published on Thursday, showed the public blaming stupid f*cking Republicans by a 22-point margin - 53 to 31 percent.

-----
http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/eugene-robinson-boehner-improves-his-standing-within-the-gop/2013/10/10/d698ac30-31de-11e3-9c68-1cf643210300_story.html

"Boehner may have calculated that Obama would negotiate — if not over Obamacare, then about spending and entitlements. The president’s uncompromising stance against hostage-taking meant Boehner had to follow through on the threat of a government shutdown — and meant that the GOP would shoulder most of the blame for an episode of dysfunction. It also meant, however, that Boehner would get to stand before the cameras every day and show his defiance of Obama, which makes House Republicans swoon."

becomes

Simpering appeasing spineless a**hole Boehner may have calculated that Obama would negotiate — if not over Obamacare, then about spending and entitlements. The president’s uncompromising stance against hostage-taking meant simpering appeasing spineless a**hole Boehner had to follow through on the threat of a government shutdown — and meant that the God save us from the GOP would shoulder most of the blame for an episode of dysfunction. It also meant, however, that simpering appeasing spineless a**hole Boehner would get to stand before the cameras every day and show his defiance of Obama, which makes House stupid f*cking Republicans swoon.

-----
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcus-landsberg/the-tea-party-has-already_b_4065995.html

"If the goal is to have minimal government, what do we have now? What would be a better victory for the tea party, then what exists right now with the shutdown?

It's not that we have no government right now. We have limited government. All military is getting paid. Our military support personnel is now getting paid. Anyone designated essential personnel is getting paid.

Isn't that what Republicans have been pushing for since the election? Any government branch which is not strictly essential should not exist.

This is not a negotiation. Why should they come to the table, they've won!

What government department does the Tea Party want to be funded that is not currently being funded right now during the shutdown? I can't think of one."

becomes

"If the goal is to have minimal government, what do we have now? What would be a better victory for the insane brainded redneck idiot tea party, then what exists right now with the shutdown? 

It's not that we have no government right now. We have limited government. All military is getting paid. Our military support personnel is now getting paid. Anyone designated essential personnel is getting paid.

Isn't that what stupid f*cking Republicans have been pushing for since the election? Any government branch which is not strictly essential should not exist. 

This is not a negotiation. Why should they come to the table, they've won!

What government department does the insane brainded redneck idiot Tea Party want to be funded that is not currently being funded right now during the shutdown? I can't think of one."

See?  That's much clearer. If you practice this just a few times, it becomes natural and easy.